


for a moment, i can pretend

by ScreechTheMighty



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Reference to parental death, Spoilers for The Flash 3x9, and I regret it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:12:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8784457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScreechTheMighty/pseuds/ScreechTheMighty
Summary: Barry thought he could handle it. He’d braced himself for it, told himself over and over again that it didn’t matter how Jay Garrick looked or spoke. It didn’t matter how much Barry wanted things to be different.
Jay Garrick was not Henry Allen.
Jay Garrick was not his father.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first thought I had after the "your father would be proud of you" line. I regret having it, but here we are. Why does this show enjoy hurting me.

Barry thought he could handle it. He’d braced himself for it, told himself over and over again that it didn’t matter how Jay Garrick looked or spoke. It didn’t matter how much Barry wanted things to be different.

Jay Garrick was not Henry Allen.

Jay Garrick was not his father.

And at first, everything was okay. He was able to work with Jay without thinking about the similarities. Even seeing Jay injured didn’t send him into a flashback-induced panic. Barry handled it. Right up until he heard Jay say _Your father would be proud of you._

That threw him off.

Hearing those words coming from a voice and a face that was his dad’s, but wasn’t, _hurt_. It hurt even more after he accidentally travelled forward in time and saw… _that_.  In that moment, sitting there in STAR Labs, he wanted his dad more than anything. Jay tried to help, he did, he told Barry everything he needed to hear in that moment ( _It’s only a possible future—you can’t go back there—You have to focus on the present_ ), but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t want Jay Garrick. He wanted his _dad._

“I should head back,” Jay said. “I don’t want to be away too long.”

Barry didn’t want Jay to leave, not really. But he didn’t want Jay to leave for reasons he wasn’t comfortable thinking about, reasons he wasn’t going to voice aloud. “Okay. I’ll help you with the speed cannon.”

They walked back to the cannon together. No matter how hard Barry tried not to think about it, he couldn’t get the thought of out his head. _I wish you were my dad. I wish he were here._ He kept thinking about Flashpoint, about that night with Zoom…about everything that had happened over the past year. He was tired. The amount of running he’d done that day had nothing to do with it. He was just… _tired_.

He was tired, and he wanted his parents back.

By the time they reached the speed cannon, Barry knew he couldn’t keep things contained. He wanted his dad…but his dad wasn’t here. Jay was. And Jay wasn’t his dad, even though he looked and sounded exactly like him, and…

“Barry?”

He was jolted back to reality by the sound of Jay’s voice. “Yeah?” He couldn’t look Jay in the eyes. Not when he was giving Barry that look, with the face that was his dad but wasn’t.

“I’m sorry that you had to see that. I’m sure you didn’t mean to…”

“It’s not just that.”

Damn it. Damn it, why had he said that?

Jay looked confused at first, but then, after a minute, he looked understanding. He knew about all of it. He must’ve put the dots together. It wasn’t hard to figure out. “I’m sorry,” Jay said quietly.

Barry was starting to get sick of hearing that.

He was also starting to get sick of the thoughts still racing around his head—like an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how much he scratched. It was stupid, and probably a little bit messed up, but he had to ask. He couldn’t stop himself from asking. “Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“Look, I know how this is gonna sound, but…”

_Your father would’ve been proud of you_.

“Can you just…”

_I wish I knew that for sure._

“…say that…that you’re proud of me?”

He hated himself for asking. He was sure Jay would say _no_. He had every right to. It was stupid, really stupid, and he never should’ve brought it up. But Jay didn’t say no. He didn’t even look judgmental. He took off his helmet, stepped forward, and hugged Barry tightly. “I’m proud of you, Barry,” he said.

It wasn’t the same thing. Dad would’ve called him _slugger_ or something, he would’ve hugged him differently spoken differently. It wasn’t the same thing, because Jay Garrick wasn’t his dad. He wasn’t.

But Barry could pretend, just this once.

Barry was able to keep from crying, somehow. He came close, but he kept it in check. He had to keep it together for the others. They couldn’t know about what he’d seen in the future—or about this, for that matter. “Thanks,” he muttered as he stepped back. “I know that was weird, but…thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Jay smiled. At least he looked like he understood. Barry wondered if he’d been through something like this. Did every speedster have to go through this at some point, or was Barry just cursed? He didn’t want to ask. He didn’t want to dredge up any bad memories for Jay—or know for sure if it was just _him_ who had all the bad luck, for that matter. “Be safe. And Merry Christmas.”

“Yeah, you too.”

He watched Jay run into the speed cannon. Silence settled over the room as it shut down. Barry stared at the machine, breathing slowly, playing those words over and over ahead in his brain. _I’m proud of you, Barry. I’m proud of you._

He wished it was really his father that said that. But he could keep pretending.

It was all he had.


End file.
